Cedarstar -- ColdClan

[Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander]

Name: Of the clan worlds, I am known as no other then Cedarstar. Bestowed upon me were the wonders of StarClan, and the burdens of the clan rest upon my shoulders. I carry this weight with dignity and wish to bring my clan to greatness.
Moons: I was born here but a mere forty-eight moons ago and still running strong. My blood is powerful and shall be a great gift to those that see me as their father.
Gender: Tom
Clan: ColdClan
Rank: Leader
Short-Description:

Outstanding orange eyes leap from the black and white tom.

Picture:

Description:

Cedarstar be black and white. Weaved into the excellences of the black fur, where a beautiful stunning brown. Not seen really, unless you peer unconditionally into his pelt and spot the brown fragments. The outstanding color of his eyes holds any enemy's gaze. Those magnificent orange eyes can take your breath away, and she is indeed lucky to have such a handsome tom. His weapons, as you call it are all black, except for the left front paw, where white meets claw and they are ivory, instead of ebony. He is lean, and his muscles ripple freely, made hard and stern from many fights, his pelt keeps the red mass within, and yet showing off his contour. Cedarstar's frame does not divulge how he had fared as a youngster. Those moons as a runt have vanished from his frame, leaving behind a tom, larger then the normal tom, but not huge.

Personality:

Cedarstar is rather a hero in his line of sight and others as well. He is well known for settling disputes among his clan mates, and he can mend their friendship well. Cedarstar is a patient cat in what he does, and he helps his clan greatly, he would do anything for his clan. He is like a gift to his clan. He is unlike any tom you have ever met. He may be naive in some ways, but a hero none the less. His playful moods could swing so rapidly, you would be lost. Its nearly impossible to decipher what mood was next. Cedarstar wants to be the best he can be, for he was not clan-born, and he expected that the clan wanted more from him then their clan-born warriors. Cedarstar wants to live up to the greatness of the leaders before him, the stories he heard of his past leaders achievements made his adrenaline pump and want to be like them - or more. Cedarstar is bold, and would love to speak out his thoughts for the interests of others around him. No one can stop his love for his clan. You might find it weird, that before he had no she-cat friends. Cedarstar himself kept away from the she-cats afraid his fragile heart for them would shatter too much to be re fixed. Cedarstar is one of the most handsome warrior in the clan, but he had refused to make friends with the she-cats in the clan. Mostly because he was afraid they would try and get him to like her more, maybe even become his mate. Cedarstar was not ready for that commitment yet. He knows when the right time comes, cause the she-cat of his dreams would step into his life is when he knows that she is the one. The only one he will have eyes for. He has gotten close to a few she-cats before, but she later died in a terrible accident, and others either broke his heart or ran off, or even died. Sometimes Cedarstar is alone. He thinks that solitude is good - it can't hurt you. Cedarstar loves to sit out at night and watch the stars. That time between Winter and summer is his favorite time of the year, and no one can change that. His second favorite is winter, then spring and then summer. He is loyal to his few friends he has, cause many he can't get closer to anyone else, even if he tried. Thinking back on the days when those she-cats broke his heart, he dislikes love.... its not healthy for someone who love wasn't made for. Happiness - It doesn't get you anywhere. Cedarstar can't have happiness, he gave his hearts to those she-cats, but they discarded it like bones of prey. He is jealous of those love-sick couples he sees, wishing so much he could have the one of his dreams. He hates vain-creatures, they think their fur is more important then food. Cedarstar sometimes has a listening problem. You would be talking, and maybe he would be looking off somewhere else, completely ignoring you. The good thing is that he is learning to control that bad-habit. Even with his heart in the way it was, he loved her with everything he had. He knew, she wouldn't run off like the rest of them, for they had a secret, a secret no one knew. No one knew their love, but a secret non-the less. Embercoals was all he wanted.

History:

I was, obviously, the runt of the litter. And as tales often tell, the runt is usually left to wander until picked up by some predator somewhere in the wilderness. Fortunately enough for me, I lived on an island at the time and there wasn't very much wilderness to have been stalked in. So, I simply lived in a grassy reservoir just behind the store. I'd often sit on a barrel by the window and watch the birds that they had admiringly, falling asleep to their calm, soothing 'wee-woo' song at night, every night for nearly a month. It wasn't until maybe when I was about three moons old when the shop keeper hobbled out on his peg leg to dump out a bucket of slop off the pier when he noticed me. He stopped to stare at me and slowly put down his bucket, dropping to his knees. He clicked at me and called me over. "Here kitty, kitty.. Here, kitty." Naturally, thinking that maybe he would take me in and feed me (so I wouldn't have to dig through the trash for old potato skins anymore), I slowly made my way over to him, raising my tail as soon as I got within an arm's length distance from him. He patted me on the head for a moment, but as fast as lightning, grabbed me roughly by the scruff of my neck. I yelped in sudden surprise as he picked me up, looking me over. "What kind of pet are you?" he muttered curiously. Too choked and afraid to speak, I merely gagged out another cry for help. I couldn't believe it! He thought I was a pet! Being a dwarf really wasn't the best way to live. "No matter," he grinned. "I'm sure you'll bring a fetching price! Now what to call you.." he pondered for a moment, staring into my orange eyes. "Ah, I know!" his face lit up with delight. "The 'Demiloop, if you can figure out how, maybe it'll turn into a real cat!' Ha ha, brilliant!" He tossed me into the air and caught me again. "And since there's only one of you, you'll sell better!" He laughed again and brought me inside, the bell above the door jingling menacingly to join the man's mischievous laugh that would last for days..
Nearly two months later, I grew tired of sitting in my cage, watching people gawk at the 11,342,234,239,000(random typed number) priced sign resting above my coop. At first, I wasn't sure how much that was, but I soon found out as an outraged customer shouted in dismay "11,342,234,239,000! Thats outrageous!' And according to that particular customer, no one in the world was that rich. Later during the month of September, there was a particular bird that was put in the cage next to mine, who didn't seem to be like an ordinary bird. Not once did I hear that magnificent creature sing; not even a simple peep. His feathers and bill were much darker than the other birds that would often be purchased, and he seemed a little bit bigger than the others. After a while, no one even looked at him anymore; it was almost as if he was invisible.. But after watching the poor creature for days, I finally spoke for the first time in six months. "Hey," I whispered to him, prodding my paw through the bars of our cages to poke at his tail feathers. He quickly turned his head to look at me, tilting it slightly. He blinked, but said nothing. I returned the glazed stare, wondering what it would be like to have a friend like him; quiet, majestic.. big. "Hey," I whispered again to hear the sound of my own voice for the first time in half a year. The Weewoo continued to watch me, but switched his gaze to the store keeper who was now haggling with an Owner who was trying to simply buy a snake for her little boy. At that instant, I thought I might have been devastated for life. The bird looked back at me, now stiff, looking emotionless. He slowly began to tip over and fell to the bottom of his cage. Dead.
Nearly mortified, I stared at the poor creature that lay on the bottom of his cage, webbed feet curled slightly, his tail feathers closed behind him. The shop keeper looked over and shook his head. Turning back to the person, he held out his hand to receive the money offered. "All right, fine.. Now get out of my store!" So, slightly bewildered, the person took the snake and left with her son who was, unsurprisingly, oblivious to everything that had just happened. The shop keeper walked over to the dead bird's cage and looked at me, grinning. "I bet you're 'ungry, aye?" he chucked a bit and opened both of our cages, and reached in to pick up the bird. Eat that majestic creature? It made me want to never look at another bowl of food as long as I lived. From then on, as long as I knew where my food came from, I would eat it. Like maybe.. potatoes, for example. But as soon as the bird in the shop keeper's hand was lifted past my cage, I stared so hard into the bird's eyes, I thought I was going crazy. ..Did it just blink? "Well, that's a waste of a hundred and fifty dollars.. I could'a sold you for a hundred and sixty five, ye stupid bird," the man growled, ready to drop the stiff body into my cage. But- in the blink of an eye- the bird let out a loud screech, confusing and bewildering the shop keeper, causing him to drop the animal. The giant bird leapt into the air, kicking the man in the jaw with his rock-hard feet, landing just behind him on the floor. The shop keeper stood there, dazed for a minute, and fell back wards, out cold. With my mouth hanging open, I watched and stared in amazement. The bird looked back at me and let out the most haunting, beautiful 'weewoo' that I had ever heard, echoing throughout the whole of the Island.

Weeeeeeee......woooooooo

A cluster of nearby smaller birds chirped in terror outside in a tree, the frantic sound of their weak wings flapping pathetically to get away. The song sent chills down my spine, but warmed my heart so much, I didn't know what to do. It was then that I realized that the lid to my cage was still open; the shop keeper lying on the floor, drooling with two red feet marks on his chin. I hopped out of my cage, landing on the mans stomach, noticing that the bird had begun to run away. I dashed out the door after him, straight to the edge of the pier. He leaped into the air, letting out a melodic chirp, and dove into the water, bill first. I ran to the edge of the dock, ready to jump in after him, but then I remembered; I couldn't swim. I stared into the water, watching the last few bubbles pop on the surface, my sad, free reflection rippling away with the tide. That was the last I ever saw of the most majestic creature ever to walk the planet.

I went on a boat, to a place called 'Urope.' I had to sneak on, for pets, or animals I should say were not aloud on this boat. I dove into a room and hid there, until the boat moved away. The tilting of the boat, made me sea-sick. I stumbled out of my hiding spot, determined to get somewhere where it did not rock anymore. A sailor spotted me and snatched me up, an evil glint in his eyes. He knew pets weren't aloud, and this one wouldn't see the shore if he got his way. He walked with me held at an arm's length, when the captain showed up, coming to my rescue.
"What ya doing with him, ye lad?" He asked and walked over taking me from his hold. I was too sick to even struggle.
"He isn't aloud on board, sir," He said.
The captain shook his head, "Yes he is, he just wants to go to Europe. Its nothing I can hold against him." The captain said and turned away to take me to his cabin. Later on I awoke in his chambers, my bed was on the floor, just a pillow really. I lapped up the milk and stepped out, before being roughly grabbed. I struggled and yelped with terror. The captain should hear my crys, I thought. But no, The sailor who first spotted me held me by the scruff. Land was in sight, close too. Big waves splashed against the side.
"The captain may have accepted you, but that still doesn't change the rules." And with a flick of his wrist, I was overboard. I remember...The fall seemed to take forever. Days it seemed... I coughed and spattered as the waves went over my head. Darkness surrounded me, I was helpless.

When darkness surrounds you, and you your way,
You have your own compass that turns night to day.
And it's even with you before you depart,
Be still, hear it beating,
It's leadin you, follow your heart.


When I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I felt empty...I was starving. The very beat of my heart was gone it seemed. I struggled out of the water that lapped at my paws and tail, and as I looked around, I realized I was somewhere completely different world. The life of those pack-rouges was over to me. Here was the group of cats who went by a code, and I could be apart of them I realized. I may have been royalty in my family of rouges, but this was not my homelands. This was elsewhere, where no one knew my heritage. My short fur was soaked and after laying in the dun to dry off, I had warmed my muscles and took the long journey into the territory. I passed the border and met a loner she-cat. She told me of the clans that lived in the forest, and before realizing it, I had fallen for her, and she for me. We talked for hours on-end and soon we both realized each others affection for the other, and became lovers. One day, after waking alone, the patch of grass next to me was cold. I tracked her scent, which I realized I had a natural gift for, and found her with her lover. He was a stunning gray color, his blue eyes shimmered. I was instantly jealous after hearing them exchange gestures of love. Fueled by her betrayal I sprang out, the older tom surprised. My claws raked down his side, and teeth flashing. I would not let him get away with his life for taking the love of my life! Anger was a bad thing to wield. I was pulled off by my love, and the tom ran away. I turned and glared at her. My sorrow, anger, hurt and betrayal showing in my outstanding Orange eyes. Hurt was in her green eyes, as she tried to explain, but I wouldn't let her. I yelled at her, saying she betrayed my trust, my love. This wasn't something I could forget about. The tom had long since vanished and I left her, tears in her eyes as I turned my back and stalked off. Is this my life, or do I live another's? I suffer a punishment for a mistake that someone else made before I existed. Why must we be apart? Why must I lose both of you? Would it have been better if death had taken you? My heart is tormented and feelings of anger toward those unknown overwhelm me at times. If only you had not made those mistakes, our lives would not be apart...

Only one.

Something I have not told you about my past was dreams. I traveled far and wide, searching for the beauty who I only knew in my dreams. After many deaths and rebirths of the sun, I finally found my love. I had been forced to leave, wandered alone. Along the way I met many friends who offered help, but my broken heart led me to wander in my thoughts, alone. I tried my hardest to get to her. Tried my hardest to break out of this shell I now call him. I desperately wanted to reach out and love her, but I could not.

I do not know what has stopped me from trying to reach out to her. Maybe it was my inability to love another? Suppose I don't care, though. Suppose it doesn't matter to me what happens to her. Suppose it doesn't matter to me where she goes, who she lies to, and to who she tells the truth. Suppose it doesn't matter to me if she embraces another "youngster" and touches his/her life the same way she did mine, suppose it doesn't matter whether or not that 'ship ends in abandonment. Suppose all that matters to me is closure. Suppose that i am self-centered. Maybe I'm not who I thought I was on this situation. Who's to say that I'm not the villain, and she's not the victim? Maybe I've twisted this whole thing, maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in what I want and what I feel, that I need that I've lost sight of what's right, and what's wrong, and what's truth, and what's lie.

But what's upset me, what's managed to get to me (another thing, for once, I feel. After almost four years of being numb, dead, comatose, I can feel. It's sight to a blind man, sound to a deaf woman, life to a child,), what's managed to carve each individual shard like the pieces into a kaleidoscope, is that i've forgotten how to love.

I don't know how to love any longer. I have no real need for it, no, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. That doesn't mean that that's one of those options I couldn't give a rat's rear about whether or not it's open to me. That's one of those options that does matter, one of those options I want to be able to choose a sound, a proven "yes" or "no." You forget how to love, and what do you have? I never have, and maybe I never will, but that doesn't mean I might not want someone at some point or another.

Look at me: an out-of-body character, a vulnerable soul, a skeletal sprite, trembling in the wake of Reality's fierce, cruel wind, suffering under the threatening, abusive hand of Denial, shuddering violently in watch as the pale, ghostly figure of the bodice is drawn, curved, sanded,.. made.

Look at me: worthless garbage, useless, grubbied decay, too much of a coward to describe emotion in anything other than a narrative made up of what author can't depict as either truth or lie, too much of a coward to talk about what muddled thoughts clowd this wearied mind, too much of a coward to peel the Yin and Yang of masks, to waltz with grace from such masquerade in which my feet are timing one-step, two-step, one-step, two-step with the music, enough to talk to someone, anyone, about the one situation that's eating me alive.

Look at me: so strong, so able to pull through everything without once needing anything or anyone, so able to put up that wall between relation, so able not to trust, not to have faith, not to have hope in anything other than the material for which the outcome is in his own hands; so able and determined to work through the issues that condemn the spirit of the weak, the cowardly; so able to just forget but to face all at the same time; yet, here I stand, unable to face the one thing that ever truly mattered, unable to face the truth of the situation, unable to process through the circumstance for fear of losing more of me than I've already managed to do.

Look at me: see the heart that's a puzzle too complicated for even the most skilled at billion-piece jigsaw puzzles to solve, the heart that's shattered, splintered, past the point of comprehension - what was it that shattered such a strong, powerful, driving muscle?; see the blood that dribbles from each, glittering shard like water from a leaky faucet, like drool from the jowels of a predator.

Look at me: I'm happy. For once, I not only know I need to wake up the following morn', but I know that something is in store for me, maybe something subtle, maybe something grand, but something's there, and I want to see it. For once, I look forward to waking up in the morn'. For once, I know what it's like to live in a world where the verbal, emotional, physical cutting down from your own blood parent is minimal. For once, I believe in me. I believe I can pull through, and I believe I can do it on my own. For once, I've given up on everything - religion, everything - and everyone. For once, I have faith in me, only me. For once, I trust me, only me. I've never been happier.

But look at me, too, and see someone who's forgotten. It's not simply a matter of not being able to, it's not even a matter of not wanting to, but more a matter that I've forgotten how to trust; the option isn't open to me, even if I wanted it to be. Through loss of trust, I've learned loss of faith. I can't consider anything in anyone, and why? I've forgotten how. At the moment, such amnesia falls to apathetic heart. Why would I even need such options if they were going to sit idle 'til death do part?

But unlike me, is this only a shell I live in? Could maybe she carefully chisled away at this wall that blocks me from her? Could she have that strength? Could she manage to piece together my shattered heart, make it whole, and make it hers? Perhaps she had already shattered my mind bond and showed herself to me in dreams. I've deamt of her since I was such a kit. She has this power, and I know it to be true. The light she had casted upon me had me be happy.

Ever since I came to the clan at ten moons of age, and ever since I've met her, I knew she was the one that stalked my dreams. How she did it, I have no clue. Could she have had helped from StarClan to lead me here? From the day I met her, our friendship grew and blossomed and recently, it was love that was indentified, and I was happy.

But now, look at me; hatched out of the shell like a baby bird. No longer cold and confused but warm and happy. A loving mate, and father, with her by my side, and our unborn children.

Ever since meeting her I knew she could do it.

My life- A slave, My task- A crime, My soul- A wretch, My love- A Beauty

Role Playing Example:

The gentle waves of water cascading down from the rocks above seemed oddly quiet. The soft spray of the fine mist blew over him, the smell of the water reminded him of the good days where it rained. The beautiful scent always captivated him. Today although he wished it not, was sunny but bleary. Clouds of gray billowed in from the south. The grass was wet, but not drenched with the sprays of water. Brilliant orange eyes looked up at the water falling down. The sun caught the water, but instead of a cascade of colors, it turned out to be red and orange. He found this peculiar.

The rocks closer to the waves, were sleek and smooth. Years of sitting by the waterfall, churned and gentle at times, have smooth the rough edges. It felt like any cat could be the stone, and with the gentle touch of care and love from someone could smooth any sharp edges in the cats jagged exterior. He sighed and turned away from the rocks. He didn't need remembrances. Cedargaze felt as if he couldn't help anyone. He hated his life, whether it be in the clan or not. It just didn't feel right to him. He never seemed to fit in ether way.

He felt as if he just needed to find someone, someone he could confine in, someone who wouldn't push him away. He actually hoped, for the first time in weeks, that someone would come along and talk to him. He felt ready now, to become one with the clan again.

Other:

This is my audition for ColdClan Leader.

[(§)Silvey(§)]

Zedd, cahnge the color for the RP example... You can't see it!

[javu]

.....*gulps*. That's a lot.

[Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander]

Indeed it is alot. Silvey, I'm using my skin so I can see it perfectly but I will cahnge it if I have to.

[(§)Silvey(§)]

Oh. I can see it now with the new skin colors...